It isn’t surprising, IMHO, that many of us aren’t always aware of when we’re feeling triggered, since most of us (at least in North America) are actively, if unconsciously, taught not to be aware of our feelings.

This my suggestion for an exercise that could be done in a small group or …..

If you try this and have any interesting results or suggestions, I would love to hear your feedback. My guess is that the more frequently the exercise is done, the more sensitive one would become to one’s internal state.

1. In a small group, preferably with their eyes closed (but open if that’s more comfortable), ask everyone who wants to, to think of a smallish something that’s bothering them.
2. Ask how they know they are bothered or this thing is bothering them. (Pause) What cues are telling them this? (Pause)
3. Do they know because they feel something in their body? (Pause) Are there thoughts in their head? If they don’t know, that’s OK too.
4. Ask for raised hands or fingers when they’re ready for the next question.
5. If they are aware of a sensation in their body, can they locate it. (Pause) Suggest some places they could look: chest, back, arms, solar plexus, legs, etc.
6. They need not try to be aware. This is not always clear at first.
7. Ask them if they are aware what type of discomfort they feel (e.g. uneasy, scared, angry etc).
8. Then when they’re ready, come back to the group and open their eyes.
9. Those who want can share what they were aware of.

As people become more aware, the steps could become more refined: for example, “What is the quality of the feeling?” (sharp, fuzzy, warm, cold, tight etc) “What is the shape of the feeling?” (long, round, flat etc.)

Also, one could suggest using situations that are more upsetting or less upsetting. Or one could, as people become more familiar with and sensitive to their bodies, suggest that they tune into how they feel when they’re upset (angry, hurt, etc) and then see if any situation comes to mind from the last few days or the last week. And, of course, one can also tune into the needs.

This exercise could be homework, perhaps to be done once a day for 5 minutes. It would be interesting to see whether, after doing this for a week or two, group members became more conscious of when they are triggered and therefore more empowered to try their NVC “skills”.

If in a group, people can be in partners, trios, or this could be done as a demo. The listener has paper and a writing implement.

The speaker starts to speak. When the listener notices that s/he is having a thought, feeling, or body sensation, s/he can say something out-loud to alert the speaker (e.g. “pause”), and writes down enough so that later she’ll be able to remember what was going on for her.

Then, below that, s/he can write “go back”, or something that reminds her to put her full attention back to the speaker.

So, each time the listener’s full attention leaves the speaker, s/he’d write something like this:

Reaction Stimulus Reminder
That’s mean! (calling clerk stupid) Go back

Heart pounding (crying & feeling hopeless) Go back

Then the listener can let the speaker know they’re ready to listen again, and start again.

After this part of the exercise, the listener can then get support exploring the feelings and needs behind the reactions they recorded.

This is the first in what I hope will be a series of blog posts inspired by Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Domenic Barter’s Restorative Circles, George Lakoff’s Conceptual Metaphors, Sarah Peyton’s NVC and Interpersonal Neurobiology, as well as some of Karen Armstrong’s, Alfie Kohn’s and Martha Stout’s work.

I think it was the only way I could image to escape the terror I felt every day.  I figured if I understood everything, then there would be nothing to be afraid of.  My hope of last resort was that when I died, all of my questions would be answered.

In the interim, my two big questions were: 1) why was I so scared all the time and 2) why was I so scared of adults.  I was in grammar school (between 8 – 12 years old) when I settled on the only two answers that made any sense to me.  I was scared all the time because I was born that way, and I was afraid of adults because fear was the natural state of adult- child relationships.

That was about the age some essential part of my development stopped, because until a few years ago (I’m now 59) I viscerally never felt older than 8.

Different Strokes for Different Folks at Different Times

Over the years I’ve come to believe that the various systems (or non-system) of healing/support/wisdom are each useful to only some people some of the time. There is no panacea and, from what I’ve seen, each person really does have their own unique way of trying to work out their lives.

Marshall Rosenberg, George Lakoff, Alfie Kohn, Martha Stout, Karen Armstrong, Dan Siegal, Moshe Feldenkrais,

These are some of the people whose work has given me new templates for seeing human inner life and how we “really” function emotionally and behaviourally.

They have not just given me hope, but have given me tools to begin to play (OK, it’s often not play, it’s struggle born from pain and desperation and longing for a more fruitful experience) with my own experience, and to sometimes be able to shift out of pain, anxiety, and despair and into a more relaxed and lighter place.